Ok, so yesterday I was out and I had a breakdown... in public... on the mean streets of Baltimore. Normally, it's something I would never talked about let alone blog about. However, I was reading someone else's blog and they were talking about how their friend broke down in the club with some stranger, and I thought, hey at least I didn't do that. So, I guess I'm looking at the breakdown in a different light. It was a necessary thing. And while I wish that I could have wept in the confinements of my room, I was ok crying on the shoulder of a friend.
For me, I really needed a cry. I hold a lot in sometimes, especially when I'm juggling so many thoughts. And I feel like for the last few months I've been trying to figure out my place in life. I've been feeling like I want a family and I've been wanting someone to share my life and new experiences with. I just want so much. And last night (and partially this morning), even though everything was crashing, it was such a great emotional release. And now, at least at this moment, everything seems clear and not so "end of the world" anymore. Not that anything ever is the end of the world, but it can sure seem that way sometimes. And it's not like I have any type of resolution in my dilemma AT ALL but I do feel at peace. Like, whatever happens happens.
At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I can't control other people. I can only control my actions. I can't force someone to love me nor can I force myself to love someone. I can truly say once again that I'm happy. I still have a life to live and I can't wait on anybody and I don't want anybody waiting on me. When it's the right time and the right person, i have to trust that I'll know. Trust myself and trust God.
So I guess, all in all, breakdowns aren't all bad. It's not like I had a mental breakdown (or did I? lol). A few tears never hurt anybody... at least not physically. At least the heartache has subsided and I can smile again :-)
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